Okay, here is my attempt at flash fiction for the 1st Campaign Challenge. I'm not good with short stories but I gave it a try. :) I got it at 200 words exactly (excluding the title). I'm looking forward to reading the others!
Thirty Seconds to Live
The door swung open while I held my breath and dropped through the tube. I have thirty seconds to get to the bottom, regain my equilibrium and hit the button. Otherwise, I'll be the fifth fatality and there'll be no one to stop Del from completely disengaging the air filtration system.
I run through the scenario three times before I land on Carson, the last kid to attempt entry. He didn't even make it to the door. Stumbling over him I scramble to my feet, still holding my breath and hit the airlock button. The door slides open and as soon as I'm inside I smack the panel to close it, wait a few seconds and then inhale a clean, welcoming breath of air. But I have no time to enjoy it.
I fix my ponytail, pull Bessie from my holster, and slip around a row of machines with blinking lights - the system keeping the air clean so that our colony can survive on Primazero.
"Why you, Ashlin?"
I swing around. "What are you doing?"
"It'll be easier this way. Better than if the Virals get us first."
"We killed them. Except one," I say staring straight at him.
Love the gun's name is Bessie!
ReplyDeleteWow! I found while I was reading that I was feeling really claustrophobic and felt that lack of air.
ReplyDeleteI like the gun's name too. Bessie! :-)
all of them except one. ohhhh my.
ReplyDeleteThis needs more. Please. Great work!
Oh, nice! And I agree with the others about the gun's name!
ReplyDeleteFellow campaigner here - we're in the same dystopian fiction group. I write just about everything - from PBs on up to adults. Looking forward to getting better acquainted!
Love it, fantastic stuff! I didn't even know there was a challenge on today! Oh well. I'll go and see if I'm too late.
ReplyDeleteThis has totally hooked my interest in your writing - looking forward to getting to know you and seeing more of your stuff!
Great ending. this really is fun seein all of the ideas 3 simple word can inspire. I'm #72
ReplyDeleteAgree. This is really cool. And put me on the list for the Bessie fan club.
ReplyDeleteDitto, ditto, co-sign! Great read...can't wait to check out more of your stuff.
ReplyDeleteThis is nicely paced. Great twist at the end. Another Besie fan, it adds a lovely touch.
ReplyDeleteOooo ... is there more? I'm ready to keep reading, girl!
ReplyDeleteAnd I love that her weapon's name is Bessie. When I was in the Army we called our gas masks Oscar.
Nice! I like how a lot of these involve death of some kind.
ReplyDeleteI want to know about the Virals!
ReplyDeleteI want Ashlin to finish the job...with Bessie! Ha. ~ Nadja
ReplyDeleteI really like her pragmatic nature and how she is able to make quick assessments of her environment :-)
ReplyDeleteLove the action. Great writing. Don't lose my interest and I want to know more.
ReplyDeleteWhat about "the one"? This is a heavy action one, which is different from most of the ones I've read. I enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteThe action and the stakes have me hooked. You seem to explain so much about the world in such a small amount of space.
ReplyDeleteVery nice characterization, and I love Bessie :)
ReplyDeleteI feel sorry for poor Carson.... :)
ReplyDeleteOh goodness does that mean she's a double agent? Great action and tension.
ReplyDeleteVery menacing, hmm, why kill them all?
ReplyDeleteEvery Savage Can Reproduce
What an exiting entry. You managed to so much punch in such a small space... and I'm still craving more.
ReplyDeleteVery, very nice and polished. You drew me right in!
ReplyDeleteI loved this entry. Your portrayed everything perfectly in words. The tone was so awesome. Good job!
ReplyDeleteNice to meet you, by the way. I'm a little late in introducing myself, but I'm in your dystopian group. :)
An open ended ending! I like it. Awesome sci-fi touch, too. Great entry, Kimberly! :)
ReplyDeletegreat! exciting! keep going!
ReplyDeleteAwesome, you nailed it.
ReplyDeleteNice!! I feel the tension. ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd it's so cool that you could be a campaigner! I *almost* got in, but I'm going to be MIA next week, with little internet access. But maybe next year! :D
Anyway, thx for stopping by my blog today!
Hi Kimberly,
ReplyDeleteI'm in your distopian group, finally making it around and I have to say I love the feeling of suffocation packed into this one.
I look forward to seeing your other entries for the campaign.
Is she talking to Carson? Like that the gun as a name. LOL
ReplyDeleteOh, so good! "except for one..."
ReplyDeleteIf I had gun I would name her Bessie.
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed this read! I liked the ending and imagining what comes next.
ReplyDeleteI think mine would be named Gerttie. ;0)
I enjoyed this one! Love Bessie:)
ReplyDeleteLoved it. Sucked me right in.
ReplyDeleteHi, my name is Elizabeth Moss and I'm one of the judges for this round of the campaign challenge.
ReplyDeleteI'm pleased to say I love your story and you'll be going through to Stage Two, so congrats!
What particularly struck me about this story is your narrative voice, the character of Aishlin. It's a highly believable voice, uncluttered and clear to follow, and yet emotionally compelling at the same time. You've got Aishlin's character down from the first lines, with no straining after credibility, and because she feels real, the alien world you create around her feels real too.
This world-building is helped by all the little throwaway details - the tube, the airlock button, the machine with blinking lights, the important reference to Virals - that help build this story into something very solid and credible.
And you leave us on a note of life-and-death suspense. Who is this, killing all the kids who go down the tube? And why is he doing it? Is Aishlin next or will Bessie - lovely intimate touch to give the gun a nickname! - prove her saviour? Better still, what is the prior relationship between these two, posited by that significant 'Why you'?
Loved it. Best of luck in the next round!
Sorry, that should have been Ashlin. I knew an Aishlin once, must have that name on the brain!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much everyone for your wonderful comments!
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you, Elizabeth for the good news! I was so excited to get your comment! It totally made my day. :)
Liked your flash piece. You have a clear voice for Ashlin and that really drew me in. I was kind of disturbed by the ending...almost like I was reading a book and turned the page and it was blank. lol. Good job and congrats on going to the next round. Thanks for taking the time to look at my piece.
ReplyDeleteHi, Kimberly! I flipp'n loved it! I was totally hooked. It reminded me of a scene in Hunger Games - one of my fav books. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI loved the ending - it's too bad she has to use Bessie on the man she loved, the last Viral (at least that's how it seems in my head! :)).
ReplyDeleteExcellent job, Kimberly - and congratulations on making it to the next round!
One way or the other, he's not making it out! Enjoyed this. Good use of 200 words to unpack a scenario and set up two desired fates.
ReplyDeleteGreat action scene! And I love the SF-feel of the setting. :)
ReplyDeleteCongrats on making it to the next round!
ReplyDeleteI would love to see more of this story. It stops just where you want to know more
Absolutely awesome!! I want to read more! :)
ReplyDeleteSo awesome! I'd love to keep reading and find out what the Virals are!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I passed the Versatile Blogger award on to you! Info is here: http://kaykays-corner.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-versatile.html
Ugh!! I wanna read what happens next! And the beginning! lol. That's probably when you know you wrote a great flash fiction!
ReplyDeletegreat job!
This is great!! I want to read more like right now. :) Awesome job with this.
ReplyDelete